“European offices are naked all the time”
Michael from TV series The Office
The ‘old boy‘, the ‘longfellow‘, the ‘bratwurst‘, the ‘pink oboe‘, the ‘trouser snake‘, the ‘love whistle‘… Europeans do not lack creativity when it comes to referring to their manhood. Part of the everyday language, these words are – so to speak – on everyone’s lips. For many Europeans, though, a simple expression is not enough to thank their partner in glory – they want to reward their essential accessory to all kinds of exploits, this source of pride (and occasionally prejudice), by granting it a personality of its own. After all, we often reward lifelong friends with a nickname – so why not a dickname? There is, after all, no need to be all stiff about it. Of course, not all Europeans christen their babymakers, but somewhere, somehow, there’s a well-known way of designating he-who-must-somehow-be-named in company, polite or otherwise. So, whether you’re hoping to talk dirty with a Dane or get lucky with a Lithuanian – here’s how people across Europe choose to remember their members and mention their unmentionables! And don’t forget, folks, it doesn’t matter what you call it – wherever you are in Europe, as one comic trio have shown, the most important thing is to cover your stump before you hump…
Portuguese men did not have to rack their brains too long to find a popular and user-friendly nickname for their ‘old boy’. They just had to borrow the nickname of one of the most widespread Portuguese first names. And what is the most common Portuguese first name, you might ask – Carlos? Pedro? Ricardo? No way – it’s José! For which the most widely used diminutive is Zé, sometimes extended to Zezinho – exactly the sobriquet used for love muscles in Lisbon and privates in Porto. So, basically, when a Portuguese gives his ‘bits’ the cute nickname of Zezinho, he actually means “Little Joseph”. Not in the biblical sense, obviously…
Spaniards have a very subtle way of introducing you to their little soldier. They have this hilarious “joke” – whether it’s actually funny, I’ll let you judge for yourself – where one Spaniard says: “Hi, I came with Marcelo!”, and the second asks, “who is Marcelo?”. “Just bend down and I’ll introduce you to him…”, comes the response. This eventually led to inspire this Spanish meme, widely shared in Hispanic countries. I told you, it’s subtle! Marcelo is actually the Spanish and Portuguese form of Marcellus which was a name for a plebeian Roman family and is itself a diminutive of Marcus, traditionally said to be related to Mars, the God of war. So, if you follow me, when Spaniards call their beloved member Marcelo, they indirectly consider it as a weapon of war… take care!
France – Belgium – Luxemburg
Everyone knows the great French bakery chain “Paul” where you can buy delicious croissants and fluffy breads. But you’ll think about it twice next time before ordering a long firm baguette. Because Paul, or more exactly, Popaul or Popol, is also the most common nickname given to the male genitalia in France! It is hard to know why Paul has become such a widespread euphemism. But you can expect every Frenchman to have called his baguette this at least once in his life. And if you hear him brag he is bringing Popaul to the circus (“emmener Popaul au cirque”), you shouldn’t be thinking of clowns and contortionists and elephants raising their trunks. Or maybe you should: this metaphor-minded Gaul is suggesting he’s about to have sex! Maybe just remind him to be smart, and wear a bread bag…
Oddur í Skógarkoti
Stamps, teddy bears, coins – there are many fun things people collect, but only one country in Europe makes a public display of their privates – Iceland! The Icelandic Phallological Museum, according to its website, “contains a collection of more than two hundred penises and penile parts belonging to almost all the land and sea mammals that can be found”. Including human ones! So when it comes to giving them a nickname, Icelanders have the choice between two: Oddur í Skógarkoti and Tómas í Tutlu. They are both archaic farm names and handy to use during friendly discussions in warm geothermal pools. In a country with no family names, Icelanders had to use geography to invent their own and to title their todgers. Tómas í Tutlu translates as Tómas from Tutla, and Oddur í Skógarkoti would be Oddur from Skógarkot – a very spacious wooden house in the forest. But Oddur also means the tip of a spear or knife… Nothing to do with a penis, for sure!
“He had a huge Micky!” If you hear this sentence in Ireland, don’t expect it to relate to a gift from Disneyland. On the Emerald Isle, Micky does not mean a famous mouse, but a trouser snake. The funny thing is that the name Micky has also a second meaning in Anglo-Saxon countries. According to the urban dictionary, Micky can also be “an individual who you will never forget. A very intelligent gentleman with a sweetness about him which is very rare to come across. He’s absolutely gorgeous, with eyes which will haunt you in your sleep but in a beautiful way and his touch will linger on days, months and sometimes even a year after he’s touched your face. ‘Wow you’re being dated by Micky? you lucky miss’”. I don’t mean to make any inappropriate connection between the two meanings… Just wanted you to be properly informed!
According to some British legends, the real John Thomas lived in the 15th century, and was extremely well-endowed. Even though he seems to be just a myth, the name John Thomas became the most common nickname for men’s private parts and appeared in print in the 1870s, although it had probably been in circulation for some time before then. In the 1983 Monty Python movie The Meaning of Life, Eric Idle sings “Isn’t it awfully nice to have a penis / Isn’t it frightfully good to have a dong / It’s swell to have a stiffy / It’s divine to own a dick / From the tiniest little tadger to the world’s biggest prick / So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas / Hooray for your one-eyed-trouser-snake.” Of course, if you are tired of using the vintage nickname John Thomas you can still opt for the more common name, Willy, but well, it’s less classy!
Men’s nether regions have quite a funny nickname in Norway: Jan Kåre. To understand it, a little etymology goes a long way: the name Jan is just the Norwegian version of John in English. But the common first name Kåre comes from the Old Norse name Kári meaning “curly, curved” and has no equivalent in English. It is roughly pronounced “KOH-rre”, with the tongue trilling the “r” and is currently the forty-eighth most popular boy’s name in Norway. So, basically, when Norwegian men call their little icebergs Jan Kåre, they actually mean their “curvy John”! Indeed, someone has spotted that euro coins, without Norway on them, just display a big curved Jan Kåre in the top-right corner of the map…
According to national statistics, there is currently only one person in Sweden whose actual first name is Petter-Niklas. It’s easy to see why, as Petter-Niklas is also the common synonym for male members in Sweden. So why Petter-Niklas? Nothing fancy about the explanation: the name Petter-Niklas comes from the word ‘penis’ itself, Petter-Niklas starting with ‘Pe’ and ending with ‘s’. Swedish euphemisms have a tendency to work little like alliterative rhyming slang (cf “Satan” for “Sablar”, “Jävlar” for “Järnspikar”, “Skit” for “Sjutton”…). The nickname Petter-Niklas is then just the Latin term made a little longer – and who wouldn’t want to make their Petter-Niklas a little longer? In the Swedish sit-com “Hem till Midgård” (“Home to Midgard”), there is a character called Peter Nicolaus the monk, sent to Midgard by the Pope as a punishment for having sex with his younger sisters. For this reason, he has been called “Petter-Niklas” by the other characters…
In Finnish, Jorma is a very common man’s name among 50 to 80-year-olds – and also a slang term for penis, so much so that young people like to snicker when using the name. In its complete form, “Jormas“, the name is rare. But the slang term is prevalent, as happened to Yrjö, a traditional, regal, manly-man’s name that in the 1960’s and 1970’s somehow became – and remained – a ubiquitous term for vomit. Finnish parents have to think twice before naming their newborns – who knows what the monicker might come to mean over time. Don’t be afraid, Mikko?
According to online magazine M!, 76% of Danes do not have a nickname for their dangly bits. But the remaining 24% seem to be among the most creative in the land, showing a great sense of humour in nicknaming their bits of bacon. Amid the pop-cultural references such as ‘the Avenger’, ‘the lightsaber’, or ‘Dr Evil’, you can also find some direct first names, such as Oswald, Boris, Rambo or Rasmus. But the name which appears the most is nothing other than Gynter – the Danish version of German Günther, which is, you have to agree, perfectly suited to what it designates – massive, efficient, direct. With Gynter in the trouser, expect no nonsense, and no surprises – just Deutsche Qualität.
Netherlands – Belgium
That’s right! Our Dutch and Flemish friends sometimes call their ‘thunderbird’ Peter, or in original language Piet. What’s the most interesting, here, is that Dutchmen are particularly fond of Zwarte Piet! Wait! Wait, wait a minute! Don’t misunderstand me here. I don’t mean that they particularly like black dicks – or not all of them, anyway – but that they rather enjoy the character Zwarte Piet who is the controversial companion of Santa Claus in the folklore of the Low Countries. During the Christmas period, those portraying Zwarte Piet typically put on blackface make-up and colourful Renaissance attire, alongside curly wigs, red lipstick and earrings. So it’s all the more confusing to learn that one of the most famous characters in local folklore, Santa’s little helper, shares a name with another mischievous accomplice.
Germany – Austria – Switzerland – Luxemburg
“Wie die Nase eines Mannes, so sein Johannes“. According to the famous expression in the land of the sausage, to tell what a man’s knob is like, you have to look at his nose. Right, sure … But can anyone reassure me about the meaning of the expression “die Nase hoch tragen” – which means “to stick one’s nose up in the air”? In any case, the Teutonic tip about noses is quite useful if you want to size up your interlocutor at first glance. It seems that German have some other nicknames for their secret schnitzel. If you’re tired of Johannes, then just use Hansi, Jürgen or Willi.
What did you expect? It had to be Rocco in Italy! The nickname conveys the right image: it’s a short convenient name for a large robust member. For the few prudish reader who might be a bit nervous to learn why Italians call their third leg Rocco – and basically, I wonder what you’re doing here reading this article – I’ll tell you without too many gory details: it originates from the Italian porn actor, Rocco Siffredi, who has starred in over 1,300 pornographic films so far. It’s symbolic for a generation of proud young Italians keen to display some kind of masculinity. But don’t believe that Rocco is all there is – someone totted up the numbers and counted almost 900 nicknames and surnames that Italians give to their ‘nobility’. Just don’t challenge them to a game of Rocco, paper, scissors…
Czechia – Slovakia
As you know, some words are so ambiguous they can lead to cross-purpose conversations. Look at our Czech and Slovak friends: when they talk about Frantík, they may be just speaking about their little ‘comrade’ but they might as well be talking dismissively about a Frenchman! Frantík is actually a diminutive form of František, or Francis. In the Czech language, the name Frantík came from the little button found on military caps in the Austro-Hungarian Imperial Army, derived from the first name of Franz Joseph I, Emperor of Austria. So when Czechs and Slovaks use Frantík for their little soldier, they might be referring to a little button – or a fearsome emperor. You decide.
A Hungarian doesn’t like to think of himself as an average Joe. But his privates are a different story. Józsika is the Hungarian translation of Joseph or Joe. Giving a good nickname to a Magyar’s manhood is about the same as putting onions in their goulash: it adds an essential ingredient to the whole and gives it color, personality and consistency. A few years ago, our dear Hungarian friends were particularly keen to note that they ranked first in the rankings of European penis size. According to what we’re certain is a very well researched and rigorous scientific survey, the Hungarian penis may be the biggest in all of Europe, with the average hung Hungarian measuring an impressive 16.51 centimeters. But be careful, take this survey with several grains of salt from your goulash because half of the data used to build the map is “self reported”. And with men and penis size, you know what that means.
When I first asked some Polish friends about the nickname they give or would give to their Polish manhood, after a few awkward looks, the question gave rise to extensive debate about the potential candidates. Pindol and Siusiak are common, but more synonyms than nicknames. But if Poles had to give a first name to their family jewels, they would rather come with the name Wacek – as this man underlines in his list of 334 ways of designating the Polish pecker. It comes with other suggestions though, such as Josh, Bob or Dzordz. For the records, Wacek is the diminutive of Wacław, which comes from veçe (“greater”) and slav (“glory”). Rousing stuff, so to speak.
Lithuania – Latvia – Estonia – Belarus
This list wouldn’t be complete without Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia and Belarus. Unfortunately, I didn’t manage to find the nicknames for man’s best friend in those countries. If you happen to be from one of these countries and would like to share your priceless knowledge on men’s privates: don’t be shy! Just send me an email and I will update the article accordingly.
What do Ukrainian men call their privates? It’s maybe a question you never asked yourself, but I’ll be more than happy to shed light on this important issue for you. You’re welcome! According to the online magazine Tochka.net, very few Ukrainians actually nickname their joystick, because too many jokes would be made around it. But when they do so, they tend to name it Макс, or Max. Tochka.net underlines that such a nickname gives the “lucky man a bit of pride, because this way it emphasises his respect for his exceptional member, he admits his strength and his love for it”! The article also says that many centuries ago, in Eastern Europe, there were many beautiful expressions, such as “the love arrow”, “the jade rod,” “the sword of passion” or “the pleasure rod”. It seems that times have changed…
Romania – Moldova
The issue of giving a nickname to men’s privates is of tremendous importance in Romania and Moldova. As the Romanian web magazine Times New Roman put it kindly: “contrary to what Hungarian scientists say, Romanian men do have a penis! And many of them give it a nickname“. They take the topic so seriously that they even dedicate a whole article to the top 20 most popular nicknames, and their importance. Besides the first nickname Bendeac inspired by a national celebrity, the second one, Lazăr, seems to be the most conventional. All is clear when you look at its etymology: Lazăr is derived from the Hebrew name Elʿazar, which means… “God has helped”. Many princes, artists, celebrities and footballers bear this name – nobody says whether they adopted this name to show off or if they were particularly endowed at birth…
The name Janez is very popular first name in Slovenia. According to national statistics, there are currently more than 25,000 Janez in the country among a total population of 2 million. It is actually the second most frequent name in Slovenia. But it’s also a very common nickname that men give to their ‘longfellow’. Which is somehow kind of weird, as Janez can be at the same time your neighbour, your father… and your ‘little boy’. The name Janez is actually the Slovenian version of John in English or Johannes in German. It is derived from the Greek name Ιoχαννης (Johannes) or the Hebrew Jehohannan, simply meaning “God”. There are also several hundred variants and surnames made up from the name Janez in Slovenia – effectively, if you’ll pardon my French, it’s a country full of dicks.
Croatia – Serbia – Bosnia and Herzegovina – Kosovo
Our North Macedonian friends are happy to house a little boy called Stojko in their trousers. The name is quite appropriate as Stojko is the diminutive from Stojan and Stoyan which is derived from Bulgarian стоя (stay) meaning “to stand”. And speaking of the last man standing… did you know, one of the Titanic survivors was a Macedonian? He was called Stojko Dodolovski, from the village of Chucher near Skopje, and bought a ticket to the ill-fated vessel at the last minute from a British priest. When the ship started sinking Stojko jumped into the ocean. He swam towards a few of the rescue boats, but was not allowed to climb aboard. Stojko stayed calm and floated on the ocean until one of the rescue boats came back to look for survivors, several hours later. Stojko was one of the 12 survivors picked up.
In Bulgaria, there is no widespread nickname for men’s ‘old boy’. But Kancho (or Кънчо) is the name of a funny penis-like character who is part of an educational programme of the Bulgarian public health agency which teaches teenagers how to use condoms. So, they talk about Kanchо and how to do safe sex, always “dressing it up” with a condom. Have a look – it’s quite amusing! Bulgarians have also this not very elegant expression: “Kura mi Yanko” (“Кура ми Янко“), which actually means “I don’t give a damn; Nothing came out of it” (when you expect someone to do something which they then don’t do) – “kur” (“кур“) being a vulgar word for penis.
Albania – Kosovo
There is no snake in Albanians’ trousers – but a lion. It might sound pretentious or immodest, but the fact is indisputable: Albanians name their “pride” and joy Hajdar, one of the names denoting a lion in Arabic. It is quite a popular name in Albania: one Hajdar signed the Albanian Declaration of Independence – we hope using a pen rather than his Hajdar – while another is a famous journalist and diplomat and yet another a commander in the army for Albanian Independence. All of them must have benefited from great endowments… Hajdar was also another name for Ali, the husband of Fatimah, daughter of the Prophet Muhammad. History does not relate whether he himself used the nickname…
Greece – Cyprus
In Greece, you should place a red ‘N’ in the back window of your vehicle for one year to inform everyone that you are a new driver. Greeks got used to calling “N” drivers Νικολάκης (Nikolakis) – meaning they’re not totally grown-ups. By extension, they started to give their gearsticks the same name! You got it: Greeks’ privates, or in the original language, Νικολάκης, are a sort of young driver, eagerly practising manoeuvres and hand signals, and, we would hope, using an airbag for safety. The nickname Νικολάκης is all the more appropriate as the Ancient Greek “níkē” and “laós” means “victory of the people”. Nikolakis of the world, arise!
Haydar is a small village in the District of Akyurt in Turkey. Haydar is also a neighborhood within the Kadıköy district on the Asian part of Istanbul. But, just like in Albania, Haydar is first and foremost a common nickname a Turk gives to his Turkish delight. Also spelled Hyder, Hajdar, Hidar, Hidre, or Hayder, it is also an ancient but still common Arabic name meaning “lion” – not mentioned in the Quran, but quite common as a name for Muslims given the positive associations. Turks can count on many famous Haydar throughout their history, such as politician Haydar Baş, poet Haydar Ergülen, actor Haydar Zorlu, or businessman Ali Haydar Şen.